I did it. I’m back. I watched the Bachelorette, and I have time to blog about it.
How better to kick off Episode 2 of JoJo’s bachelorette season than with 1 million fire similes and metaphors?!
By now, the dudes have already bonded (save for Chad, who sits in the corner sulking, eating, or using his suitcase filled with protein powder as a weight belt as he does pull-ups off the mansion trellis).
Can we pause for a sec and talk about JoJo’s group of guys? I will admit that many of them seem like well-intended, stand up guys, but sheesh, why did Kaitlyn get such a better looking bunch?
Forgive me. Maybe I’m just missing the eye candy of seasons past.
As you might remember, Ali Fedotowsky was my favorite Bachelorette ever. I was a big fan before she was named The Bachelorette, and I still adore her to this day. It’s a big deal to say that I anticipate JoJo joining Ali in the ranks as the coolest, most down-to-earth chick to hold this position. From what I know of JoJo, I really like, and I’m hoping she stays in good graces throughout this season. GET ‘EM, JOJO.
Anyway, on this firefighter challenge group date (which seems kind of unfair considering the actual firefighter was in attendance), Wells, the scrawny-but-cute radio DJ, can’t hack it. Dude has to get some water and lie down.
BRAVO, Wells. How has everyone not caught on to this play yet? Everyone who has watched the show knows that whoever gets injured/sick/hurt on a group date gets to spend extra time with the Bachelor/Bachelorette. Kudos to Wells for taking advantage of his stature. YOU WIN.
A shock to no one, the real firefighter wins and carries JoJo out of a burning building. Meanwhile, I’m trying to get past JoJo repeatedly telling him he “did so good.”
Dear ABC, I will personally volunteer to work for free if you could just put me in charge of editing grammar on the show. I’ll just follow everyone around and correct them when they say “JoJo and I’s” and “you did good.”
But sorry, firefighter Grant, you “did good” and all; however, Wells was the true winner here, wooing JoJo with his mediocrity and pictures of his bloodhound named Carl.
You’re wrong, Chad. Here, nice guys finish first.
(And for the record, I actually think Wells seems like a really cool guy.)
While this is taking place, the rest of the guys are bro-ing out so hard. We’re treated to songs around the pool (James T. at the helm with his git-tar). Except for Chad. Chad hates everyone, hates singing, and hates joy.
Chad likes protein, meat, and steroids.
At home, the hipster (?) grabs the next date card and announces Derek is the chosen one.
This is where I pause and wonder if JoJo is taking Ali’s advice from the Premier of the show. Ali recommended that JoJo figure out her top few that she definitely likes and ignore them. She hasn’t invited Jordan, the first impression rose winner, on a one-on-one, and she seems to be doing a great job dividing her time between all the men. I don’t even remember anything about this Derek guy.
Next, we’re treated to Chad finding a friend in Beady Eyed Daniel. We watch them chill in matching tank tops that might have come from the closest Forever 21.
I’m sorry, is that side boob?
And they talk about how nice guys are actually bad guys in disguise. Bad boys aren’t actually bad boys.
On the next group date, Chad goes on and on about how he’s not THAT into JoJo. America cheers when Chad awkwardly calls JoJo a nag and makes her inevitably hate him as much as the rest of us do.
The outcome of this date? James Taylor the singer-songwriter gets the #1 power ranking, and I’m genuinely happy for him. I don’t even care that the wannabe country singer has been done. As, of course, has the name. I’m rooting for that guy.
And choosing to ignore Chad, who is certain everyone is doing everything wrong.
I feel that JoJo’s body language makes it pretty clear that she’s not really down with what he’s throwing. And to paraphrase one of my favorite tweets of the night, “JoJo defending Chad sounds eerily similar to Trump follower reasoning.”
When she kisses him, I all but roll off the couch and dump my LaCroix out of sheer annoyance.
Right. We all need a villain, and the Bachelor/ette must first be into them before things explode in their face. We’ve been here before.
At least she gave James the rose. You go, James! You and your poetry have won me over.
When rose ceremony times rolls around, Chad has decided that since he’s gotten a little taste of what it feels like to smooch JoJo, he suddenly wants in on this competition. He sneakily intercepts her as she arrives for the rose ceremony (no doubt orchestrated by producers), and she’s half excited, half “oh……. it’s you.”
Tiny Alex was NOT happy. He calls Chad Public Enemy #1.
Chase, who I don’t even remember meeting last week, did an adorable thing and gave her a mini date with mittens and snow and extra wine.
So, he wins.
Rose for you, Chase.
Then Chad did what I do at every cocktail party
Sit in the corner with way too much food.
Since when do we actually see people eating on this show? Weird.
And poor little Alex is just really concerned that Chad is chewing with his mouth open.
Can we pause and bow our heads in honor of Jojo being the first Bachelor/ette in history to tell someone no (or “give me one second”) when someone tries to interrupt someone else’s 1 on 1 time? Why has this never happened ever before? It drives me batty.
Like last season, when Ben wanted extra time with the twins, and Olivia just kept being that wart he couldn’t get rid of. I assumed there was a rule preventing him from saying no.
Good for you JoJo, for having a spine. Give yourself some kudos.
She’s giving out these roses like she’s Oprah and there are cars for everybody.
Ali gets a rose.
I kid you not.
Beady eyes gets a rose.
C’mon, JoJo, the Jersey Shore barber and the floppy (ha) erectile dysfunction guy?! Superfan is funny! Even if he does always look like he is wearing foundation!
(But seriously, James, if you read this, I’d love to know what brand you use. Skin is flaw. less.)
Hipster goes home, too. He’s sad.
Here’s to hoping next week JoJo tells Chad to “get the FREAK OUT” just like Evan wants!
Chad’s plan? Workin’ out, makin’ protein shakes, and eatin’. And, you know, showing off his creepy veins.
What are your thoughts? Your favorites? Your predictions? No spoilers, y’all!