Happy Bachelor Finale Monday!

March 14, 2016 · 2 comments

To avoid suffering the wrath of all of you, I’ve learned I need to write at least one Bachelor-related post this season. I apologize I haven’t been more on top of things, but y’all. Life be cray. Lately, once I get the time to sit and write something up, I don’t have the inspiration, and I refuse to post something half-assed. So, here we are.

Not half-assed.

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Full. Fledged. Ass.

In every understanding of the word. Thank God for that gif’s existence.

What better time than on the day of the highly-anticipated finale to finally air out the way this season has made me feel?

Firstly, I still like Ben.

And yeah, I did love him “most” in Kaitlyn’s season, and yes, I completely agreed with his being selected as The Bachelor.

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Honestly, it’s a rarity for someone to become the Bachelor/Bachelorette and for me to still like them by the end of the season. If I agreed with someone for the role, and if I liked someone at the start of the season, a lot of times, they make ridiculous decisions and quickly earn my serious judgement (coughKAITLYN). Although I don’t agree with all of Ben’s decisions (seriously, how long was Olivia actually going to stick around before the Producers let him say buh bye?), I think he has done a great job at staying true to himself and letting himself be vulnerable.

So vulnerable… he breaks the cardinal rule of The Bachelor and tells his final two girls he loves them. Uh, wut?

Not ideal, and as my mom says, “that was mean!” But I think it was a genuine stupid boy move as he let himself fall in love with two people. Dude just couldn’t keep it together.

And this is the part where I’m going to brag that I pegged JoJo and Lauren B. as my final two in The Bachelor Bracket.

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I was so full of complaints that my bracket requires you to make all your picks before the first episode even airs on television. I mean, really, who can make choices so crucial when you haven’t even gotten to hear the girl talk?

Welp, I picked JoJo to win it all. I used their headshots and their interview questions and made my pick based on who I thought Ben would be attracted to and who he would jive with best. Of course, I mistakenly grabbed a few randoms who didn’t it through the first rose ceremony to get to the final 6 or so (really… who saw the twins actually making it that far? not I). So, alas, second place I’ll take.

I’ve had JoJo here as my favorite girl in the house from the beginning. On night 1, I texted my friends, “Oh, stellar. I chose the chick in the unicorn mask to go all the way.”

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Fortunately, Ben’s into unicorns.

And what more can you expect when this is your home life?

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That’s a joke; I really like JoJo a lot, and I want her to earn 2nd place so she can be The Bachelorette. I just really want to be her friend. And when her mom drank right from the bottle there in national television, I cheered for her.

Anyone would be gaga over JoJo, but I fully feel that Ben’s real match is Lauren B. Jojo’s too cool for Ben. And I’ve said ever since Lauren’s hot tub date, I’ve been certain she’s the one for him after how quickly they connected.

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Here. Just try to tell me you feel differently.

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How about now?

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I rest my case.

I have yet to be so certain about someone’s connection on The Bachelor, and I’ve never called it that early, but I guess I could be wrong.

That happens every once in a while.

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Back to my wish that JoJo will be saved for The Bachelorette. Yes, I’ve been told that Caila has been filming some sort of intro film package in her hometown, confirming her as the next Bachelorette and I’m not a fan. Apparently, neither is anyone else.

According to Ali Fedotowsky, who is still my favorite Bachelorette to ever grace the show, Caila received “The Bachelorette treatment” on The Women Tell All. Allegedly, the women they are testing to be the next Bachelorette are styled with much less makeup to make them more relatable to viewers.

Example: Remember when Britt suddenly had hardly any eyeliner on for the first time in her life (including when she sleeps) when she and Kaitlyn were announced as The Bachelorettes last Bachelor Season Finale?

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Makes sense, but Caila looked about the same to me as she normally does.

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Don’t get me wrong, I really, really liked Caila toward the beginning of the season. I liked her spunk, and I generally gravitate toward people with a zest for life.

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Then she took it too far.

Is it just me, or is Caila in a never-ending audition for the role of our next Disney princess?

At one point around home town date territory, I wasn’t sure if I was watching Aladdin or The Bachelor. The gestures, the unfaltering smile, the constantly upturned eyebrows…

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We get it. Got it. Understood.

And that really, really awkward moment when she twirled her way to Ben’s Brooding Bench to “surprise him” while he was trying to come up with the best way to dump her?

Tragic. But in her sendoff, she made sure to show us her best Disney princess cry.

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I cringe for you, Caila, but enough’s enough. Who dumps their current boyfriend because you saw a guy on TV who gives you butterflies?

The girl seems sweet, but if I have to watch her find love again, I might boycott The Bachelorette.

[Note: I said that before when Andi was named The Bachelorette, and here we are.]

Speaking of people I don’t want to watch fall in love again, is it really true Becca is also rumored to be the next Bach? Lord almighty, how many times are we going to watch her on this show? Give some other peeps a chance.

And last but not least, can we talk about The Women Tell All that never was? This segment had the recipe for SERIOUS drama, and the bait was not taken.

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Leah committed probably the most tragic Bachelor blunder in the history of lying-on-TV-and-forgetting-that-everyone-will-see-it. The topic was quickly shut down, and Leah got off way too easily.

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Also, thanks to Snapchat (username: ablyssa), I did my best Emily impression this morning in honor of the big day. FullSizeRender 33

It wasn’t intentional, but Jenny immediately let me know I was in twin Emily doppelganger territory. Looks like I just need some pink lipstick and a mouth enlargement to get on The Bachelor. BRB, time to go learn irish dancing so I can become a triplet.

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Can’t wait to go see what ring Ben picks out for Lauren!

What’s your take? Who was your favorite choice for Ben? Who is your pick for Bachelorette?

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Trace March 14, 2016 at 3:13 pm

I predict Lauren B. takes it, JoJo reveals in ATFR that she got back together with her ex, and Caila is named Bachelorette. I really like Caila, but wouldn’t be surprised if my opinion changes halfway through her Bachelorette season. She does sometimes speak in that breathy cadence of a Disney princess though, where she every sentence begins with “And.”

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2 Kayla March 15, 2016 at 9:50 am

This was HILARIOUS!! 🙂

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