My favorite coworker (yeah, you’re my favorite, Brian.. congrats) sent met this e-mail.
To ensure I don’t hurt anybody this week (A.K.A. the craziest, most obnoxious work week of the year for me), I’ll just leave you with these today:
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today, and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Did you ever stop and wonder…
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these pink, dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?’
Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s butt.’
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their butt when they ask where the bathroom is? (I really, really like this one)
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? Go ahead, say it out loud.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO NEVER EVEN REALIZED THIS? …Now, stop singing and keep reading.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you; but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? (bad breath?)
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? always.
Happy Monday, everyone. Send me some good, non-stressful thoughts.