If I Was on the Bachelor

January 20, 2012 · 47 comments

Did you hear the news?

Meet your (rumored) new Bachelorette.

Upside: it won’t be Creepy Courtney and her lack of lips.

Downside: I’d be more entertained watching a tumbleweed date 25 men than boring ol’ Emily.

(original photo via)

Yes, I rooted for Emily in Brad’s season. She’s obviously gorgeous, she had the “poor you” factor, and I genuinely liked how sweet she was. But for her to be the star?


If I had made it on the Bachelor this season, I might be doing pretty well solely based upon the fact that I’m a little less of a noodlebrain than the 90% of these girls gracing my TV screen each Monday night.

So, I present to you:

The List of Things I Would Do if I Were In the Running for Ben’s Heart:

(Other than be the target of snarky viewers for my lack of “indoor voice,” inability to be directly mean to anyone, and my constant need to work out.)

I mean… what about my training schedule? I can see it now:

  1. I would not declare a contest for “Who can Resemble Eeyore the Longest” during a Rose Ceremony.


JACLYN, do you think he will hand you a rose to make you stop making that face? It’s been 20 minutes. He gets it. We get it. You are morose.

2. I would not bring my grandmother. Another no-brainer.


Even if my grandmother didn’t have dementia. Oh, my poor Grandma would be so confused on The Bachelor. And after making it through that massacre, I also wouldn’t bail right before my one-on-one date. Ya know, the date you backed out of? The one in which Matt Nathanson serenaded Ben and his date? THAT ONE?

I bet she’s pissed she left now.

3. (One thing Lyndzi did right): I’d at least try to put all the focus on Ben at all times.

I am certain there is absolutely no way I’d be paying any attention to Ben the Bachelor if Matt Nathanson started playing Faster (a.k.a. my ringtone since the album first dropped). Most of you are aware of my serious love for Matt Nathanson music, and I’m absolutely positive I’d be going all crazytown banana sandwich running up and down those steps with my arms in the air singing along to Faster.

I’m thinking the above shot is more what Ben would have in mind.

Therefore, I’m glad I’m not on this season. Boom, ABC.

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{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Sarah January 20, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Emily is the bachelorette? Gahh major bummer. I was never an Emily fan. Oh wells, I could never be on the bachelor but I for sure could be on the bachelorette!


2 alyssa - fashion fitness foodie January 20, 2012 at 1:32 pm


I loved Emily because of her story, beauty and fashion choices but you are right – she is boring as dirt. I’m hoping now that shes had the experience to date a little bit she might be more open? I’m sure she has it in her!!

Dying at the comment about Jaclyn – I kept thinking to myself why is she making that face? Like he is going to feel sorry for her?? yuck.
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3 Brittany @ GOtheXtraMile January 20, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I’m not the biggest fan of Emily. I’m not really sure why, but ehh. I wish you were on the Bachelor!!! At least you’d make it more interesting instead of seeing 30 girls cry at once.


4 Claire @ Live and Love to Eat January 20, 2012 at 1:40 pm

If you were on the bachelor it would be the funniest season ever.
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5 Clare @ Fitting It All In January 20, 2012 at 2:02 pm

EMily for real? Man all those dudes that got Ashley are gonna be pisssed….
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6 Sam @ Sam Bock Illustration & Design January 20, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Hahaha laughed out loud about Eeyore Face.

I always say how happy I am that I am not on this season, too….because I was nominated and production actually called me to see if I was interested in being on THIS current season, SO surreal now that it is here. I never called back (they left a voicemail while I was seeing Black Swan in the theater) because a) I had just started dating someone and b) I just kinda freaked out and kept putting off calling back. For some reason, I just don’t think Benny is my soulmate. Good call on my part, I believe. I too have too much of a workout addiction and my lack of catfighting with others would render me a little too vanilla, I think. Some of these girls are batshit craaaaazy, I would NOT fight over a guy (especially BEN) that I have “known” for a matter of days with that many girls. No. Thanka you. I’d rather sit at home and watch from afar with my ice cream and leopard fuzzy blanket and laugh.
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7 Kelsey @readysetfeast January 20, 2012 at 2:17 pm

I haven’t been able to watch this season because I juts don’t like Ben. I wish he were cuter…
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8 Lindsey @ Happy or Hungry January 20, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Hahaha, that is the PERFECT Eeyore face! Seriously, I wondered that too. She obviously looks so miserable, there’s no way I’d be keeping her around.
And there’s NO WAY I’d be able to keep my attention on Ben if Matt Nathanson was in the same room. No way.
I love the Bachelor, it kills me.
Also, I have been wanting to talk about Jenna the Blogger with someone. I looked up her blog, because I’m a stalker, and really? I am not saying that I am a blog pro, but it is one of the worst blogs I have seen. Is that really her only job? That girl is crazy. I also can’t wait for Courtney the lipless wonder to go off the deep end, because I have a feeling it’s coming.
I really like Monica so far, because she is loud, borderline obnoxious, and is the only one who has truly made me laugh. I would have loved it if you were on the Bachelor, because you would trump her for sure. NEXT YEAR!
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9 Chelsea January 20, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I would go workout with him :)! hahah offer that we start training for a race together and bust out my 6 miles by his side ;D1


10 Melissa @ Mouthwatering Morsel January 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

bahahhaa hilarious post! I would vote for you to go on there!
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11 Ashley @ My Food 'N' Fitness Diaries January 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

hahaha you had me cracking up this whole post. thank you for making my morning. πŸ™‚
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12 Jen@FoodFamilyFitness January 20, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Best post all day. I have to say if you were on the Bachelor it would be the greatest season of all time!!! I can just picture the behind the scenes comments now…hilarious!
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13 julie January 20, 2012 at 4:22 pm

hahaha i would be the worst on teh bachelor because i’m WAY too big to use the bachelor as a climbing tree. i feel like the girls are always jumping on ben and climbing up him like little monkeys
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14 Janine @ThePurpleGiraffe January 20, 2012 at 4:26 pm

If you were on that show, I might actually watch it! Those girls KILL me, they need someone fun… a goofball.. you’d be perfect πŸ™‚
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15 Tara January 20, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Every single thing you said in this blog, I have thought! I was just trying to explain why I’m ‘Meh’ on Emily, even though I rooted for her in her season. And I also made the comment that I woulda told Ben to pipe down while Matt was singing.


16 janae@hungryrunnergirl.com January 20, 2012 at 6:05 pm

BOOO about emily. She is gorgeous but you are right, boring. How fun would it be to watch the bachelor together. Maybe we can Skype and watch it at the same time.


17 Tracy January 20, 2012 at 6:20 pm

I love LOVE reading your blog every day. And I voted for you for team refuel every time you reminded me. And I love you even more for talking about the Bachelor! See, usually the catty drama-filled women make up for the dull Bachelor, or a lively Bachelorette makes up for the dudes that all hang out together when they’re not on dates. So with Emily’s season, it’s just going to be a bunch of dull nice guys with sweet defenseless (boring!) Emily.


18 Jenny January 20, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Man, I am bummed that Emily is the next bachelorette. She already won a season, how is it fair that just because their relationship didn’t work out that she gets a second chance with 25 guys? lol At least she will be very pretty to look at… I’m not sure if I can hear any more about her previous relationship though.


19 Talia @ Bite Size Wellness January 20, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Your post today literally had me laughing at loud…love, love, love! And yet despite all the above nonsense that happens on the Bachelor I am hooked. Wouldn’t it be nice if one season they featured a bunch of health freaks and gym rats like us?! Dates to kickboxing class anyone?
I think Emily has more to her than the poor me, I’m sweet as pie thing. I, of course, will be watching. However, I bet the runner up from this season is going to be bummed that the fame can’t continue…
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20 Amber K January 20, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Okay, I can’t even watch more than a minute of either bachelor/bachelorette show, but this blog was hilariously entertaining. πŸ™‚
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21 Jocelyn @ Enthusiastic Runner January 20, 2012 at 7:36 pm

I think you should try out for the next Bachelor. NO JOKE. DO IT.
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22 Tina @ Best Body Fitness January 20, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Really? That picture doesn’t even look like her! I’m surprised they are bringing her back especially after her wishy washy commitment with Brad. More importantly, though, I’m glad I’m not the only one who gets freaked out by courtneys lips.

For the record – you should SO be the bachelorette. you would own that show and make it the best one ever.
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23 Candice January 20, 2012 at 9:04 pm

oh I am laughing my guts out right now.. haha!


24 Amanda January 20, 2012 at 9:25 pm

THANK YOU for acknowledging Matt Nathanson’s amazeballness! I’ve been telling people all week that I would have been eliminated the moment Matt showed up because a. I would have LOST. MY. MIND. with excitement of being so close to Matt Nathanson. b. I would not make out with Ben in front of my boo Matt. That would be awkward. c. I would politely decline to slow dance to Faster because that is not what Matt intended me to do. I WOULD insist on doing “The Matt Nathanson” and moving my hips side to side the entire time. d. I would refuse to go on the rest of the date and require that we hang out with Matt for the rest of the evening instead.
And THIS is why I’m not a contestant on the Bachelor. Also, probably because I’m not a model model model model model like Courtney. Hey, did you know Courtney models?


25 Jessica @ Stylish Stealthy and Healthy January 20, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I mean… Emily is pretty and all, but yeah, (can I borrow your joke, Lindzi? K Great) Lamesville: Population, Emily.
And agreed. Matt Nathanson = magical. But then again, I think Ben is kind of whack so it could have been LFO up there and I would have been more excited. (Yeah, you know you loved “Summer Girls”)
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26 Karla @myhighonlife January 20, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Haha Alyssa this is the best over. The whole rose ceremony I couldn’t get over Jaclyn’s gosh darn awful facial expression. It was hideous!

I really liked Emily during Brads season too but I don’t think she has the personality to juggle so many men. We will see!
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27 Hillary January 21, 2012 at 1:15 am

Hands down the funniest thing I’ve read all day. You win.
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28 Kelsey @ The Secret Life of Kelsey January 21, 2012 at 1:21 pm

SO FUNNY! πŸ™‚ thanks for making me laugh!

guess what? My friend is Kacie B!!! I hope you like her πŸ™‚ She is really sweet in really life so I hope this show doesn’t change her!!!
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29 Kristen @ notsodomesticated January 21, 2012 at 1:43 pm

You are hilarious. Thank you for your comment about Courtney. Even my husband said, “She’s really not even that pretty. She was probably pretty when she was modeling at 14. Now she looks like a less-attractive Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years!” Love it! πŸ˜‰

And poor Jaclyn. Did she even think she stood a chance? I’m not even going to lie … I would never be able to do that show because I would know compared to the SUPERMODELS AND BEAUTY QUEENS that are always on it, I would just look average. And I’m completely confident with how I look. But put my next to Heidi Klum, and I’m pretty sure no one would be checking ME out! πŸ˜‰
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30 Alissa January 21, 2012 at 2:55 pm

omg please please try out to be on the bachelor. you would be so funny and good! you’re definitely pretty enough πŸ™‚ i would watch for sure!


31 Amanda @ Let Me Be What's Underneath January 21, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Haha….love what you would do if you were in the run for Ben F. I’m not too excited for Emily either–you’re right okay on the Bachelor, but not as the star of the Bachelorette!
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32 Krysty January 21, 2012 at 9:00 pm

I got to see Matt Nathenson at a lil record ship here in Minneapolis over the summer…it was awesome. He is beautiful. By boyfriend needs to be jealous. πŸ™‚
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33 Jenn January 22, 2012 at 3:00 am

hahaha! This post was awesome. I only started watching the bachelor again this season and this post was simply brilliant.
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34 Dana Slagle January 22, 2012 at 4:00 pm

O.K. I almost lost my MIND when Matt came on. I LOVE LOVE LOVE “Faster” I play it constantly. I would have died if that happened on the date. Ben would probably have sent me home because I would have peed my pants!


35 Lauren @ Chocolate, Cheese and Wine January 22, 2012 at 6:36 pm

OK all of this talk about the Bachelor is making me jealous of everyone with cable. I have never seen that show, can you believe it?
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36 Hillary {Nutrition Nut on the Run} January 22, 2012 at 10:54 pm

love Em the bachelor — excited!


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