If I Was on the Bachelor

January 20, 2012 · 47 comments

Did you hear the news?

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Meet your (rumored) new Bachelorette.

Upside: it won’t be Creepy Courtney and her lack of lips.

Downside: I’d be more entertained watching a tumbleweed date 25 men than boring ol’ Emily.

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Yes, I rooted for Emily in Brad’s season. She’s obviously gorgeous, she had the “poor you” factor, and I genuinely liked how sweet she was. But for her to be the star?

Meh.

If I had made it on the Bachelor this season, I might be doing pretty well solely based upon the fact that I’m a little less of a noodlebrain than the 90% of these girls gracing my TV screen each Monday night.

So, I present to you:

The List of Things I Would Do if I Were In the Running for Ben’s Heart:

(Other than be the target of snarky viewers for my lack of “indoor voice,” inability to be directly mean to anyone, and my constant need to work out.)

I mean… what about my training schedule? I can see it now:

  1. I would not declare a contest for “Who can Resemble Eeyore the Longest” during a Rose Ceremony.

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JACLYN, do you think he will hand you a rose to make you stop making that face? It’s been 20 minutes. He gets it. We get it. You are morose.

2. I would not bring my grandmother. Another no-brainer.

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Even if my grandmother didn’t have dementia. Oh, my poor Grandma would be so confused on The Bachelor. And after making it through that massacre, I also wouldn’t bail right before my one-on-one date. Ya know, the date you backed out of? The one in which Matt Nathanson serenaded Ben and his date? THAT ONE?

I bet she’s pissed she left now.

3. (One thing Lyndzi did right): I’d at least try to put all the focus on Ben at all times.

I am certain there is absolutely no way I’d be paying any attention to Ben the Bachelor if Matt Nathanson started playing Faster (a.k.a. my ringtone since the album first dropped). Most of you are aware of my serious love for Matt Nathanson music, and I’m absolutely positive I’d be going all crazytown banana sandwich running up and down those steps with my arms in the air singing along to Faster.

I’m thinking the above shot is more what Ben would have in mind.

Therefore, I’m glad I’m not on this season. Boom, ABC.

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