How to Beat the Resolutioners

January 4, 2012 · 72 comments

I know why you want to read this post.

You assumed I’d be giving you tips on how to literally beat the January gym joiners, didn’t you?

‘Cause if you’re as frustrated with them as I am, I know you want to. My gym looks like the Jersey Shore in July. It’s absurd.

via

I adore my gym. The trainers are my friends, the classes kick my butt and keep my body guessing, and I know my way around the place. When I leave Virginia Beach, my gym is one of the things I’ll miss the most (nerd alert).

BUT THERE ARE SEVEN TREADMILLS IN MY GYM. a.k.a., landing a tread in January is akin to finding a silver unicorn to ride to work (or as my niece Adelyn calls it, a “horny”).

So, I’ve compiled a list of tips to thwart those January Joiners. Consider it volume 2 of my own gym rules.

YOUR MISSION: BEAT THE RESOLUTIONERS

OPTION 1: Stand approximately 4 inches from Resolutioner’s face as they lift/run/walk/bike/do whatever it is you need to do.

This distance is good.

This is better.

This is ideal.

OPTION 1a: Make this face as you stand and watch Resolutioner.

OPTION 1b: Act out the exchange between Timone and Pumba in Hakuna Matata (skip to 0:41 for an example) with your eyes closed, earphones in or out, as you stand and watch Resolutioner.

OPTION 1c: Ask Resolutioner if he wants to hear the most annoying sound in the world. Obviously, you must then demonstrate regardless of the reaction you get.

OPTION 1d: Ask Resolutioner if he wants to hear about the costume you made out of garland for a tacky Christmas party. Ask him if he’d like to start counting the strands of tinsel in your costume from the picture on your phone.

OPTION 2: Hit the gym sans deoderant. Stretch riiight beside the machine you’d like to use.

via

OPTION 3: Spread a rumor that all the mats in the exercise room are infected with ringworm. Too easy.

OPTION 4: Smear almond butter on the machine handles and handweights. “WHATISTHAT?

OPTION 5: Make some sweet flyers with your great Adobe Illustrator skills.

Go all banana sandwich and tack those babies up on every surface.

I mean, he was at my gym for a week before… there will be suckers who bite.

You can thank me when you have an entire gym to yourself.

P.S. THANK YOU so much to everyone who voted for me yesterday. As I mentioned on Twitter, those of you who vote every day get kisses. And maybe homemade cookies. I’ll look into bribing you with a gym session with Justin next.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Janine @ThePurpleGiraffe January 4, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Hahaha, this is fantastic! I no longer have a gym membership, since my company moved and it’s not conveniently on my way home anymore. But all my PF-going friends are PISSED right now that they can’t get a machine. Me, I’m sticking to my Jillian Michaels dvds (which I do intend on starting shortly after my surgery tomorrow) for the long haul! You’ll get your gym back in 3 weeks, tops!
Janine @ThePurpleGiraffe recently posted..What I Ate Wednesday – "Back on Track" Edition!My Profile

Reply

2 Lindsay @ Lindsay's List January 4, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I like you.

Reply

3 Katie January 4, 2012 at 5:23 pm

This list makes me happy. Much happier than I was last night when a man in his work shirt (yes, a straight up polo shirt) hopped on the treadmill next to me for 10 minutes, as if he was actually going to accomplish something. Especially since there was a line to use the machines. Noob.
Katie recently posted..My first ever blog meetup!My Profile

Reply

4 Dorsa @ Running Thoughts January 4, 2012 at 5:27 pm

hehe I wrote about this yesterday… I hate them all… get out of my gym.
Dorsa @ Running Thoughts recently posted..Not always a hitMy Profile

Reply

5 Lauren January 4, 2012 at 5:35 pm

I want to do all of these things. I DESPISE this time of year at the gym. There needs to be a special seasonal gym for these people…like, open Jan thru March or something. Ugh!!

Reply

6 Christie January 4, 2012 at 5:42 pm

I follow SweetToothSweetLife and she recommended your blog…..one word

hilarious!!! Loving everything about it. Cant wait to start following your posts. Love the creative spin you’ve put on the health blog world.

Reply

7 Claire @ Live and Love to Eat January 4, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Haha they won’t last with those tactics!
Claire @ Live and Love to Eat recently posted..What I Ate (and What Santa Brought) WednesdayMy Profile

Reply

8 J @ ... semplicemente ... j January 4, 2012 at 5:45 pm

I miss having a gym membership, but have no patience for the waiting game … so for me it’s just the pavement and the yoga studio for now.
J @ … semplicemente … j recently posted..… the streak continues …My Profile

Reply

9 Shannon January 4, 2012 at 5:49 pm

HAHAHAHA this is hilarious. I just discovered your blog via snack-face’s tweet and I already like you! πŸ˜‰

Reply

10 Jessica @ Stylish Stealthy and Healthy January 4, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Seriously. Like… just get off my equipment, people. A for effort, but let’s cut the crap.
Jessica @ Stylish Stealthy and Healthy recently posted..Cheesy Crockpot ChiliMy Profile

Reply

11 Ashley January 4, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Can we hang out? πŸ™‚ I recently started reading your blog and LOVE it. You’re entertaining and love to run…like me! There’s a half marathon here in Nashville in April that I’m training for and there’s still open enrollment…just sayin!! Have a great day!

Reply

12 Carolyn @HealthKitten.com January 4, 2012 at 6:12 pm

OMG I KNOW! Stupid Joiners…GET OFF MY TREADMILL.

I hate January because I can’t get a damn treadmill to save my life. And my local gym has at least 15 treadmills! Come February, they’ll be half empty like usual. GEH.

Need to get a run in tonight…wish me luck!
Carolyn @HealthKitten.com recently posted..100 Foods To Eat Before You DieMy Profile

Reply

13 kaitlin @4loveofcarrots January 4, 2012 at 6:19 pm

LOL this is hilarious!! I love the no deodorant and smearing almond butter on the weights!!
kaitlin @4loveofcarrots recently posted..Costa Rica part 3My Profile

Reply

14 Aska January 4, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I just found your blog and I think you are absolutely adorable (not to mention drop dead gorgeous)!! I’m so excited to follow your adventures. Just wanted to thank you for having such a cute blog and to let you know I voted for you to be the next face of Team Refuel!

Reply

15 Brittany January 4, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Hey! I just started reading your blog a little while ago and just thought I’d stop in and say hi… and these are some of the best ideas ever. I’m seriously going to have to try some ASAP so that I can actually enjoy the gym again!

Brittany

Reply

16 Hollie@lolzthatswim January 4, 2012 at 6:33 pm

ahaha. This makes me giggle. Right now I’m doing a lot of running outside but when I go to the gym it’s ridiculous and unacceptable.
Hollie@lolzthatswim recently posted..Beat the Ball 5k Race Recap (19:30)My Profile

Reply

17 Caitlin January 4, 2012 at 6:47 pm

LOL. I love the first photo with the yogis, and the flyer is bomb. You are hilar.

Reply

18 Amber K January 4, 2012 at 6:52 pm

lol, since I’ve been injured I haven’t actually been to the gym to see how crazy it is. While I like that people actually want to get healthier, I like being able to get in and out of my gym quickly!
Amber K recently posted..Weight Loss Wednesday : Keeping BusyMy Profile

Reply

19 Rebecca @ Miss Magnolia Munches & Moves January 4, 2012 at 6:55 pm

My gym has been suprisingly mellow!
Rebecca @ Miss Magnolia Munches & Moves recently posted..What I ____________ Wednesday, Volume 17My Profile

Reply

20 Lena @Fit on the Rocks January 4, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Only 7 treadmills?! I’m suprised you’re not literally beating them lol. This post seriously cracked me up though.
Lena @Fit on the Rocks recently posted..I Hear a RumblingMy Profile

Reply

21 Meredith January 4, 2012 at 7:02 pm

I love the Justin Timberlake idea πŸ™‚ I just keep telling myself there is no way all of the people w/ resolutions will still be there by next week.

Reply

22 Becca January 4, 2012 at 7:26 pm

I totally get this!! I go to an Anytime Fitness that is pretty small to begin with. Throw those resolutioners in and we are getting kind of cramped. Fortunately, being a 24 hour gym I can adjust my workout time to avoid the rush. Great post!! Loving your hair btw… Have a good day!!
Becca recently posted..Happy New Year!!My Profile

Reply

23 kenzie January 4, 2012 at 7:45 pm

we should encourage these people, not become annoyed with them πŸ™‚ welcome them into the gym and into a healthier lifestyle! it is not an exclusive club.

Reply

24 Ashley @ My Food 'N' Fitness Diaries January 4, 2012 at 7:59 pm

haha! i love this. you never fail to give me a great laugh! πŸ˜‰
Ashley @ My Food ‘N’ Fitness Diaries recently posted..WIAW {What I Ate Wednesday} #15 : Vlog StyleMy Profile

Reply

25 Kelly January 4, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Hahaha, this is so funny. All my friends and I have been complaining non-stop about all the annoying people in the gym in January. This place was a ghost town the entire month of December and now it is crawling with (worst of all) high schoolers and broskis! Ahhhh!! I shall try to use some of these tricks. My favorite is the stretchy smelly one, although they all smell nasty anyways (like Axe body spray-duh) and probably don’t notice.
Kelly recently posted..Birthday Present and More Pictures of my DogMy Profile

Reply

26 Brittany @ GOtheXtraMile January 4, 2012 at 9:01 pm

I’m pretty sure this was one of my favorite posts, ever.

Reply

27 Jessica @ Stylish Stealthy and Healthy January 4, 2012 at 9:17 pm

(Pssst: Mark Paul Gosselaar is hot. Pass it on.)
Jessica @ Stylish Stealthy and Healthy recently posted..Cheesy Crockpot ChiliMy Profile

Reply

28 Jessica January 4, 2012 at 9:22 pm

soo snackie was right. best post to date! i may have to use that almond butter trick. hahahah

btw, didn’t you want to be on the bachelor?! make it happen girl! time to replace this season’s crazy blogger lady with a true blogging diva, no?

Reply

29 Krystie January 4, 2012 at 9:45 pm

SO happy I found your blog, this post is exactly what I need, I love my gym and its not that big so when these January newbies come in, it drives me crazy! Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone!
Krystie recently posted..Afternoon munchMy Profile

Reply

30 Kristen @ notsodomesticated January 4, 2012 at 10:05 pm

You CRACK me up! I haven’t been to my gym since the new year started (I’ve been in Florida, so don’t judge me!! πŸ˜‰ ). I’m curious to see how many more people are there. If I can’t get to a treadmill, someone might get hurt …
Kristen @ notsodomesticated recently posted..WIAW: Vacation EditionMy Profile

Reply

31 Chels R. January 4, 2012 at 10:24 pm

haha. My frustrations exactly. Hang tight, the Januarians will be out of there soon.
Chels R. recently posted..We Need a Resolution.My Profile

Reply

32 alyssa - fashion fitness foodie January 5, 2012 at 2:17 am

The gym was straight torturous tonight. But please, don’t waste your almond butter on them!
alyssa – fashion fitness foodie recently posted..GOALS & CupcakesMy Profile

Reply

33 Nicole January 5, 2012 at 3:20 am

I think a guy at my gym tonight has been taking your advise, he smelled like a nasty hockey bag full of sweaty equipment. He seemed to be getting the machines he wanted, maybe his tactic is working.
Nicole recently posted..Here’s What I’m Up Against…My Profile

Reply

34 Katy @ A Shot of Life January 5, 2012 at 3:21 am

haha I LOVE THIS!!! too funny! Most of the year I’m wishing I could afford a gym membership…right now though, I’m happy to have my yoga mat, 2 sets of free weights and the cold, snowy road ALLLLLLL to myself. πŸ˜‰

Reply

35 Heather @ Run Eat Play January 5, 2012 at 3:50 am

Love this post – too funny! I just joined a new and smaller gym and I can’t get on a freaking cardio machine to save my life! Grrr
Heather @ Run Eat Play recently posted..LightweightMy Profile

Reply

36 Shannon (hungrygazelle) January 5, 2012 at 6:53 am

Dude, so my yoga studio totally looked like that yesterday and I was busting my brain trying to figure out why. All I could gather was that everyone really loved the instructor (I’m REALLY smart). And the girl in front of me kept kicking me in the face. Dirty, sweaty yoga feet in my pretty, pretty face. I’ll be using the stare/glare (now I feel like a Care Bear) fo realz.
Shannon (hungrygazelle) recently posted..Ragnar Las Vegas 2011My Profile

Reply

37 Karlee @ BringingBackBalance January 5, 2012 at 7:19 am

HHAHAHA this is the best post I have read all day lol.. I would defs be one of *those girls* waiting outside for JT.

Reply

38 Tiff @ Love Sweat and Beers January 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Ha – good ones. I like the “sans deodorant” one. That’ll get ’em.
Tiff @ Love Sweat and Beers recently posted..Worst Time for Gym TimeMy Profile

Reply

39 Maggie January 5, 2012 at 2:28 pm

@Janine– I love Jillian Michaels! Her workouts are the best and get you sore & in shape.. and they are short! 1/2 hour is all you need and youve sweated it out & are feeling good.

<3 <3

Reply

40 Katy @ HaveYouHurd January 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm

le *sigh*. Revolutioners crowding the gym is definitely a little frustrating especially when you know that in a month (possible a week) you will never see half of them in there ever again. I try hard not to hate though because hopefully atleast the other half WILL be back and are making a serious effort to make a positive change. I’ve just had to try to get to the gym about a half an hour earlier than normal…bc while Revolutioners and made an effort to start going to the gym, not as many of them will make the effort to get up EARLY to go to the gym.

PS I just realized that the week JT was at your gym, I was in VA Beach and saw a car roll down the boardwalk with a huge sign that said “JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IS AT CATCH 31″ I thought…”I’M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR LIES AND TRICKERY”. Now I’m sad.
Katy @ HaveYouHurd recently posted..Christmas Cookies 2: My CreationMy Profile

Reply

41 Jocelyn @ Enthusiastic Runner January 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I made Face Number 3 standing two inches away and it worked! Thanks for all the tips, my life is better now…no really it is. πŸ™‚
Jocelyn @ Enthusiastic Runner recently posted..UltrasMy Profile

Reply

42 Melissa January 5, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Ha ha :), I lol’d at this post X23324234254353252324 times. I am starting to train for a 10k at the end of the month and may need to use the gym sometimes so I’m thinking maybe some resolutioners will have petered by then πŸ™‚

Reply

43 Jen@FoodFamilyFitness January 5, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Pooty. This is why I’m terrified to join a gym…I don’t want people to think I’m only a “resolutioner.”
Jen@FoodFamilyFitness recently posted..BurnMy Profile

Reply

44 Jessica January 5, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Loving this post! Hilarious! I’m a January joiner this year, but ONLY because I just moved to a new city and needed a new gym membership that happened to be at that time lol.
Jessica recently posted..2011 ReflectionMy Profile

Reply

45 Brittany *Sparkles* January 6, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Here here!

I use my apartment gym which is usually nbd and half the time I get the WHOLE gym to myself! There are 4 elipticals, 4 treadmills and 2 bikes plus weight equipment. But… I go to the gym after work the other day, grab a treadmill (thank Jesus I wasn’t any later) because not more than 5 min later 10 people walk into the gym! 6 were from the same family… it was parents, kids, and GRANDPARENTS lol. The place was so over crowded I felt like I was going to hyperventilate and also when I do my circuits and non-gym goers are present they stare at you like they’ve never seen a girl lift weights or complete a super set before so awkward.

I’m going to try the face… maybe paired with lack of deodorant. Thanks for the laugh πŸ™‚
Brittany *Sparkles* recently posted..Friday Fives (5s) — Post IVMy Profile

Reply

46 Krysty January 21, 2012 at 8:50 pm

oooh…sad, but true. I worked at a gym for almost 4 years and I saw them come and go… BUT this year I am a January Joiner…only because the gym in my apartment building sucks big butt. So far PF is good for the money.

Reply

47 Rodney January 4, 2013 at 1:10 pm

I switched gyms in the middle of December before the big rush. I work out 4-6 times a week and I really want a t-shirt that says something like “I’m not a JJ. Seriously, check out my form!”

Reply

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

Previous post:

Next post: