…the rules would be a little different.
As members walk in the door, they will enter through an invisible smell detector. If freshness isn’t up to par, they’ll get an auto-spray of deodorizer. Such deodorizer will smell nothing like the gag-inducing Axe body spray high school boys enjoy dumping on themselves.
And on that note, all girls who bathed in their Chanel No. 5 will be doused with a hose. Take it easy on the spritz-spritz, girls. We can’t breathe.
Fitness classes will be separated down the middle by those who want to be yelled at and those who don’t, left side saved for pansies. You know, just so no one has the desire to punch the fitness instructor.
Some people just need more love at the gym than others. I get that.
Those without proper gym attire will be air horn-blasted in the right ear and provided big frumpy t-shirts and basketball shorts in which to exercise.
There will be a designated area for excessive sweaters and their rogue droplets.
All creepy men who skip rope for 40 minutes while ogling the treadmill runners will be sequestered to a two-way mirrored jump-roping corral. Just so everyone can stare at you all day and make creepy faces while you skip your rope.
Gym membership costs will triple from December 26 until February 1. I think we all know who we’re trying to weed out here.
There will be a designated gym employee for crowd morale. This trainer will provide high-fives for treadmill PDRs, weight lifting records, lost poundage.
Such person will also give out gold stars to everyone who wipes their sweat off the machines and mats.
And on that note, for those of you who are wondering, there will also be a Bend and Snap class.