If I Owned My Own Gym

September 27, 2011 · 53 comments

…the rules would be a little different.

As members walk in the door, they will enter through an invisible smell detector. If freshness isn’t up to par, they’ll get an auto-spray of deodorizer. Such deodorizer will smell nothing like the gag-inducing Axe body spray high school boys enjoy dumping on themselves.

And on that note, all girls who bathed in their Chanel No. 5 will be doused with a hose. Take it easy on the spritz-spritz, girls. We can’t breathe.

Fitness classes will be separated down the middle by those who want to be yelled at and those who don’t, left side saved for pansies. You know, just so no one has the desire to punch the fitness instructor.

Some people just need more love at the gym than others. I get that.

Those without proper gym attire will be air horn-blasted in the right ear and provided big frumpy t-shirts and basketball shorts in which to exercise.

There will be a designated area for excessive sweaters and their rogue droplets.

All loud grunters will be given sparkly tiaras.

Let’s see how loud you grunt now, he-man.

All creepy men who skip rope for 40 minutes while ogling the treadmill runners will be sequestered to a two-way mirrored jump-roping corral. Just so everyone can stare at you all day and make creepy faces while you skip your rope.

Gym membership costs will triple from December 26 until February 1. I think we all know who we’re trying to weed out here.

There will be a designated gym employee for crowd morale. This trainer will provide high-fives for treadmill PDRs, weight lifting records, lost poundage.

Such person will also give out gold stars to everyone who wipes their sweat off the machines and mats.

A MRSA free gym is a happy gym.

And on that note, for those of you who are wondering, there will also be a Bend and Snap class.


Inquire within for membership details. All fees will be waived if you happen to resemble the following males.

Speaking of the gym… How do you make time for your sweat session? Join #Fitblog Chat tonight at 9 p.m. …I’ll be hosting (@aBLYSSa) with the theme, “Makin’ Time to Sweat!”

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{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Dorsa @ Running Thoughts September 27, 2011 at 3:59 pm

hehe too funny..

yesterday at our gym, I walked in and it smelled like someone peed all over EVERYTHING. I just don’t understand what happened. barf
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2 Tracy @ Tracy's Treats September 27, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Haha, this literally made me laugh out loud. I would totally come to your gym…especially to see the grunters in tiaras. Seriously, there is no need to grunt that loudly in front of everyone!
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3 Lauren September 27, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Love that part about grunters!
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4 Jessie September 27, 2011 at 4:14 pm

I would totally come to your gym – you should make one now (especially with the guys at the end) :)

Also, is #fitblog at 9 pm central or eastern? I’ve never done one and I’m trying to start my own blog so I’d like to take part in it!

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5 Alyssa @ Life of bLyss September 27, 2011 at 4:22 pm

9 p.m. EST! :)

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6 Angela @ MyPinkyToes September 27, 2011 at 4:28 pm

This is seriously hilarious…and SOOO true!!! I definitely love the one about the loud grunters. I was at the gym with my husband one day and he kept looking at me weird. Finally he asked me why I was grunting because he had never heard me grunt before while lifting my thirty pounds…in all actuality, the (mind you, very high-pitched) grunting was coming from the GUY next to me. Weird.
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7 Katie September 27, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Can I sign up to be the motivator/gold star giver? My years of cheering could finally pay off! I’ll send you my resume, this gym is in nova right?

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8 Alyssa @ Life of bLyss September 27, 2011 at 4:34 pm

oh, shoot. it’s perfect. we’ll open a gym. you be the gold star giver (and keeper of the snap cup). I’ll take care of the rest.

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9 Katy @ HaveYouHurd September 27, 2011 at 4:52 pm

This is awesome.
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10 Kimberly September 27, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Love this. There was a woman on the elliptical barefoot yesterday next to me. I am not sure WHY the employees allowed her to do this, WHY she would want to be barefoot on that thing, WHY she didnt have shoes…so many questions!?

I agree with all of these, except as a super-duper disgusting sweater, I have to say, I CANT HELP IT!! At least, I wipe down after my sessions! :)

How do you take part in the chat!? I’d love to do it, I somehow fit more gym time in during law school than I do now, when I am home doing nothing!
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11 Alyssa @ Life of bLyss September 27, 2011 at 6:07 pm

it’s okay. as long as you wipe it up. ;)

get on the twit at 9 p.m., and use the #fitblog hashtag with all your tweets. if you click the “#fitblog,” you will see all tweets with that hashtag… i.e., all tweets participating in the chat!

hope to see you there!

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12 Sarah OUaL September 27, 2011 at 5:13 pm

BAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA BRILLIANT!!!! This needs to be published somewhere. Everywhere. I might print it out and litter copies throughout my gym.

But then I’d get called out for my “rogue sweat droplets” so maybe not…
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13 Alyssa @ Life of bLyss September 27, 2011 at 6:05 pm

hahaha I’ll pay you to do it. and I would have mentioned I certainly have rogue sweat droplets as well, but then my demands would have been a little less credible.

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14 Colleen @ The Lunchbox Diaries September 27, 2011 at 5:13 pm

HEY! HEY YOU!!

Good luck tonight with Fitblog Chat! If I didn’t have class you know I’d be there participating like it will my job :)
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15 theAlmostRunner September 27, 2011 at 5:15 pm

THANK YOU for using “sequestered.” Also, Reese WItherspoon looks so young!
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16 Alyson September 27, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Love this. (: Sooooo funny! I laughed at every one of those things. Basically, every gym has the same gym social pool (for lack of a better description at the moment). There are always THOSE people in each one of the categories mentioned. Unless you happen to have J-Timberlake walk through your gym doors… that changes the whole idea of it for the day (still jealous of that…). :)

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17 alyssa - fashion fitness foodie September 27, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Can i join your gym!? And can you set one of those hotties in front of my treadmill? Thanks.
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18 julie September 27, 2011 at 6:22 pm

could you also put a section in there for women who chat on their cells with thier girlfrands their whole workout?
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19 Alyssa @ Life of bLyss September 28, 2011 at 12:14 am

I forgot that one AND the overly made up chicks. and the guys who make love to themselves via mirror. what is wrong with me?

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20 Lindsey @ Happy or Hungry September 27, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Bahahaha, I loved this. This post gave me burst of love for you. You literally listed all my pet peeves. Who wears perfume to the gym?! Seriously. And who DOESN’T wear deodorant to the gym?! And YES to the old men with the tiaras! Genius!
And my gym is rammed until March after New Years. So annoying.

If you are on the lookout for bend and snap teacher, you let me know.
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21 Lindsey @ Happy or Hungry September 27, 2011 at 6:27 pm

What in the name of pizza is wrong with me lately? I am forgetting A’s all over the place.
“post gave me A love burst”
“on the lookout for A bend and snap…”
I promise English is my first language.
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22 Alyssa @ Life of bLyss September 28, 2011 at 12:15 am

I could totally see you rockin’ the bend and snap.

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23 Nikki September 27, 2011 at 6:35 pm

This is an amazing post! I died of laughter! You are soooo totally right on all points! Especially Ryan Gosling. ;) Sign me up!
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24 Jessica @ Stylish Stealthy and Healthy September 27, 2011 at 6:41 pm

My application is in the mail. Can I please request sexy man number 3 to be my trainer? He’s 18 now, right, so it’s not weird??

Fab. I’ll be the one in the tiara on the leg press.
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25 Alyssa @ Life of bLyss September 28, 2011 at 2:19 am

I can totally see you on the leg press in a tiara. is that weird?

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26 Jaymee September 27, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Haha oh my gosh this was hilarious. And all completely true!! Sign me uppp for your gym please.

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27 Rachel @ The Avid Appetite September 27, 2011 at 7:09 pm

You are too funny! Unfortunately I think I fall into the excessive sweater category, but I try to at least not sweat all over everything/anyone else!
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28 Cory September 27, 2011 at 7:21 pm

HAHA this is too funny! And also a huge reason why I do most of my workouts at home. TGFP90X!!! :) Nobody will have to look at me weird or vice versa in my own place.
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29 Brittany September 27, 2011 at 8:19 pm

HAHA I LOVE this. I agree with the last pictures ;D You nailed everything!

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30 Beth (Well I'll Be) September 27, 2011 at 9:01 pm

This is hilarious! I love the sparkly tiara idea! I’d also suggest banning gray cotton shorts, it happens to all of us, but it’s better to try to hide butt sweat than to flaunt it.
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31 Alyssa @ Life of bLyss September 28, 2011 at 2:16 am

I refuse to wear gray to the gym. ever. talk about rogue sweat. yoikes.

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32 Julia @ The Coffee Crazed Teacher September 27, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Love Love Love this post! I definitely want to be a member of your gym. Especially is Ryan is a member :)

Men are not the only ones who grunt all of the time. Sometimes I want to shove a sock in the girls mouth who sounds like she is enjoying herself a little too much, if you know what I mean.

Keep on making us laugh, you brighten my day!
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33 Rach September 27, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Brilliant! If only all those loud grunters would wear sparkly tiaras… that really would be brilliant, haha!
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34 Lindsay@ In Sweetness and In Health September 27, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Hahahah I would join your gym in a heart beat :D. And seriously, I wish I was as funny and clever as you were!
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35 Alaina Johnson September 28, 2011 at 12:07 am

that was hysterical! I was working out next to a girl doused in some sort of vanilla perfume today and it hurt to breath!
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36 Heather September 28, 2011 at 12:35 am

HAHA! You just made my day!

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37 Kathleen September 28, 2011 at 12:45 am

Bahaha!! My favourite is the employee hired to give high fives. Hell yea that’s a great idea!!

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38 Meg September 28, 2011 at 1:43 am

Welp, glad I’m wearing my hot pink Depends cause you just made me pee my pants laughing.

Can I have a membership?
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39 Alyssa @ Life of bLyss September 28, 2011 at 2:15 am

you get a membership discount for referencing “the brainy” in your previous post.

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40 Anastasia September 28, 2011 at 2:18 am

Your gym should have sanctions for those chicks who splash ppl with their swinging hair while running for obnoxious, extended periods of time…

…oh shit.

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41 Crystal coppel September 28, 2011 at 2:56 am

Omg where can I sign up for this gym?!! Best. Gym. Ever. !!!

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42 easa September 28, 2011 at 5:31 am

1. Kissing your SO.
2. Dropping heavy weights on the floor.
3. singing along to your iPod.
4. Taking a face bath at the water fountain.
5. Excessive use of pull cords to simulate arm movement you have absolutely no need to practice.
6. Racking weights in the wrong spot, especially when the spots are clearly marked.

The group hug photo is scary.

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43 Alyssa @ Life of bLyss September 28, 2011 at 12:27 pm

hahaha I like the face bath in the water fountain.

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44 Alexa @ SimpleEats September 28, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Love this post! Nothing gets me more agitated when people wear the wrong clothing then sweat all over the machine…then walk away and don’t wipe up. We’re all sweating, I don’t want extra sweat!

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45 Lizzie September 28, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Yayy so glad your hosting fitblog!!!!
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46 Brittany (A Healthy Slice of Life) September 28, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Can I just follow you around all day and listen to what you say? I think it would be a great ab workout from all the laughing I’d get in. Love your humor, girlie! You crack me up :)
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47 Julie @ Peanut Butter Fingers September 28, 2011 at 1:01 pm

tiaras = priceless.
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48 Sami September 28, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Hahaha. LOVE it.
Oh, and you forgot about those barbie doll girls with hoochie shorts & pushup bras on, who walk around afraid to break a sweat, just flirting with the boys and sipping on their evian water bottles. They should be required to take a class on appropriate gym attire & then sentanced to a boot camp class…unless you’re afraid of law suits due to broken fingernails.
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49 Alyssa @ Life of bLyss September 28, 2011 at 2:19 pm

I ain’t afraid’a no law suits. ;)

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50 Melissa September 28, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Hi! I’ve been following for your blog for quite awhile now (through Janae’s)…. I’m a silent stalker… sorry! But seriously you crack ME UP! After I read that gym post I was like OMG I have to be friends with this girl NOW. In any event I also wanted to thank you for the courageous post you did awhile back in regards to your relationship… hugely helpful and beneficial for me. Finally, my dog Pancake is a huge fan of Chloe….he wanted me to type that part :)
*Melissa
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51 Alyssa @ Life of bLyss September 28, 2011 at 7:11 pm

this comment made my day. I’m so glad you stopped being a creeper to say hello AND to give love to that post. I’ll note that it wasn’t exactly everybody’s favorite, and every time I hear someone say it was beneficial to them, it makes me happy. that was the purpose of my writing it. :) and HI to pancake!

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52 Erin October 7, 2011 at 11:52 am

Too funny! You should go to this gym: http://www.newsworks.org/index.php/homepage-feature/item/27722-alarming-story-lands-area-weightlifter-on-daily-show

They have a “lunk alarm” that goes off if someone grunts too loudly while weightlifting!

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