Long story short, I love Sarah. And I really love her hysterical blog. She just tied the knot a few weeks ago, so I figured as I’m boogyin’ down the aisle for Lisa-Marie’s wedding, I’d leave you in her very capable (manly.. like mine) hands.
Hey Life of Blyss readers!
While Alyssa’s oceanside performing her MOH duties and conjouring up general wedding debauchery, she asked me to swing by and share some of my first-hand tips for wedding goers.
I got married last month and have had plenty of time to stew over our big day – the good, the bad, the drunk, and the “are you KIDDING me?!” moments. (believe me, there were MANY)
So, for your pleasure – and the sake of unsuspecting soon-to-be-brides everywhere with half-wits on their guest list…
SarahOUaL (formerly Soon-To-Be)’s New & Improved Guide to Modern Day Wedding Etiquette
(aka how to not have and/or attend a really sucky party)
Pre-stamped, Pre-addressed – you have no excuse not to. Write your name, check a box, and put it in the dang mailbox.
Likewise, only RSVP for who was invited. Does your invite say, “Joe Handypants & Guest”? Congratulations – the host either 1) likes you enough to pay for your date to eat & drink or 2) they think you’re too unsocial to survive on your own.
If your invite just says, “Joe Handypants”, guess what? You don’t get to bring that random chic you met last night at the bar. And if you write her name on the RSVP, prepare for an angry call from the bride, and in turn, a very awkward conversation un-inviting your date.
(Yes, I had to do this. THREE separate times. No hookers at my nuptuals, dudes.)
Guests & Wedding Party members should take time to assess the entire day’s activities, and build their itineraries accordingly.
For instance, we started photos at 3pm, which meant (according to the groomsmens’ calculations) that they could stay out drinking until 5am the night before.
10 hrs = 8 for sleeping, 30 minutes to get ready, remaining 1.5 to start the drinking again.
Likewise, keep the TYPE of ceremony in mind. If you’re going to a catholic service, I’d suggest not drinking any fluids for at least 9 hours prior.
We, on the other hand, had a secular, no-frills service that lasted 14 minutes and 51 seconds. (yeah, we had a stopwatch on it.) This meant we were free to drink ourselves silly in the suite beforehand and not worry about peeing our pants at the altar.
Some people stumble a bit in the social & communications departments. I’m one of them, so I’m allowed to say that.
Keep this in mind when Aunt Josie asks “Where’s your tan? You live in California!” and your husband’s coworker asks “Have you stopped running?” and that friend you haven’t seen since high school thinks it’s hilarious that “You can still drink like you could back then!”
They don’t mean you’re a pasty, fat, drunk – they’re trying to make conversation and are just super socially awkward, cut them some slack.
And if they do mean you’re a pasty, fat, drunk, well then you’re a dumbass for inviting them.
DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THE PERSPIRATION
Wedding dresses are f’ing HOT, y’all. First, they weigh like 10 lbs – it’s a workout just keeping it up. Second, there’re more layers than would be necessary if you were hiking to the North Pole. Just a tad uncomfortable.
So while my chest-down is sweltering in a toulle & satin convection oven, those bare arms & shoulders might be a bit sticky. Tread lightly with your hugs & photo-poses.
It’s for your own good (hygiene)
EAT THE DANG CAKE
Wedding cake is delicious, and it is meant to be eaten. Give up your diet for a second and have a forkful. Nobody’s going to preach to you about starving kids in Solamia if you don’t eat the whole piece. But refusing a slice? Blasphemy.
(We’re talking consumption here.)
If your fellow wedding patrons are anything like ours, they come with one goal in mind: DEMOLISH the open bar. This makes for a fun night, unless you’re spending 8/9ths of it in line waiting on a refill.
God gave you two hands – put them both to use!
Also, you’re in heels, aren’t you? Minimizing your total steps will decrease the amount of time you spend barefoot later in the night, in turn reducing your risk for staph infection/stilleto-to-pinky-toe fractures/losing your shoes.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DANCE!
Nothing is more terrifying to a bride than thinking her guests aren’t having fun. #1 sign of a lame party : empty dance floor.
So tuck your “I don’t dance!” card into your purse, kick off your bad-dancer shoes, grab another drink and go burn some calories. Nobody’s scouting for the next episode of So You Think You Can Dance – a simple hip-sway or toe-tap while you sip your drink and chat with friends will do.
Anyways, it’s only a matter of time before you’re yelling “it’s my soooooonnggg!!!” and you’re jumping around spilling shit, anyways. Get a head start and claim a good spot on the floor.
LET THEM BE BOYS
Every wedding has one – that group of teammates/frat brothers/roommates that magically reconvene at every momentous occasion and act like they did 5-10-15 years ago.
Let them spend some time down memory lane, reliving the glory days. Laugh at their idiotic behavior and back-slapping guffaws, and just pretend they’ll grow out of it someday.
I’ll bet Alyssa is encountering at least one of these as you’re reading this.
Snatch a bar rag while your bartender’s trying to figure out the difference between whisky and bourbon, (true story) and appoint a responsible guest (read: sober and/or has a child) to be on spill-duty.
Drunk bridesmaid drops & breaks (another) glass on the dance floor? Kick the glass to the side, sop up the waste, and party on!
Bride is still suffering from afformentioned sauna-dress sweats? A little pat, pat on the forehead gets her camera-ready again in no time.
Grandma gets a little frisky and leaves a magenta lip mark on one of the groomsmen?
… well maybe leave that one there. If nothing else, for the photo op.
MAKE PRACTICAL USE OF THE FAVORS
This doesn’t apply if you’ve been gifted a sash of jordan almonds or plastic jar of bubbles – in which case I hope you didn’t get the couple a super nice gift…
We donated to Livestrong in our guests’ names, and everyone got a Lievstrong band as a momento. Resourcefullness & pracitcality combined with an engineering degree procured “beer leashes” – because there’s nothing wrong with securing your beer while you advocate cancer research.
And most importantly,
ASSURED CLEAR DISTANCE
(If you’re like me and rear-ended a car when you were 17 in the middle of town the week before prom, you know EXACTLY what this term means.)
Unless you want to be the inevitable jerk that steps on the back of the bride’s dress, completely breaking the bustle, and therefore forcing her to drag an unnecessary train behind her the rest of the night, maintain AT LEAST a two foot clearance at all times.
If you ARE going to be that jerk, at least make sure it doesn’t affect your Journey sing-a-long.
Told you she’s a genius. Catchya later… after LM is a Mrs!