We Got A House!

July 19, 2016 · 12 comments

Okay, let me clarify. Alex bought a house. I live in it. Sooo…. we got¬†a house! ūüėČ

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You may already be clued into this via my Snapchat feed (username: ablyssa). For the past month, we’ve been full steam ahead moving, demolishing, painting, planning, craigslist selling, and reorganizing.

And thankfully for me, in his retirement, my handy dad starting flipping houses. Guess what he spent 16+ days doing?

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My dad completely gutted our master bathroom. We weren’t too attached to the bright green and black/white tile, and the bathtub badly needed reglazing. Bob to the rescue!

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My dad finished the job yesterday, but we still need to get the bathtub reglazed. Just wait until you see the difference in the new bathroom vs. the old.

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I’ll hit ya with some before/after picture realness when we have all our ducks in a row.

But don’t worry! We saved a few of the original tiles to make¬†some coasters for the living room. WHOOP. Also, Alex wanted me to make it clear that he gets photo credit for these beauts:

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Last month, my mom, my sister, and Alex’s mom joined forces with all of us to clean, paint, and move. That week may have been the most exhausted any of us have been in a long while.

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Bye, chevron wall.

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Hello, rainwash. With my mom and Amy’s¬†help, we painted about 75% of the house.

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Smell ya later, orange kitchen.

We’ve still got a ways to go (furniture purchasing, decorating,¬†ceiling fan wiring), but we are really excited about making this charming little Richmond house our own. And if you feel like I’ve been a little MIA, just use your imagination and assume I’m hanging backyard¬†string lights, arranging rooms 217 times, or perusing the best online sales for patio furniture and dining room chairs (speaking of which…. anybody got any gems?).

My friend Bailey will be gracing¬†our house with her design touch, as well. I can’t wait to show you all her great ideas.

Follow along on snapchat, as always!

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Any tips for new home buyers? What was your favorite part of buying your first house? Where’s your favorite place to shop for new home goods?

I need a frequent flyer card for Joss & Main. It’s getting out of hand.

{ 12 comments }

This week, as I turn on the T.V. to start the best part of Monday, I’m suddenly reminded of what I have to look forward to. TWO nights of…

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Buckle up, y’all.

Sidenote: I swear I read something a past contestant posted that the girls aren’t allowed to bring weights, leave the property to run, etc. Why are these¬†dudes allowed giant¬†50 pound¬†dumbbells?

Chase gets the first one-on-one date. And I realize that I like JoJo and Chase. Not like the way I like cookie cake, but more¬†the way I like apples. They’re good, and they pair well with turkey and cheese.

But the joke’s on you, Chase. You’re not just taking a hot yoga class. You’re taking a gyrate-and-yell hot yoga class. I’m fairly certain this is not real.

And here, I’ve always found it a little awkward¬†to teach new barre clients to tuck.

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This is next. level.

They jib jabbed or yib yabbed. I thought that was an app people used to put their faces into little singing, dancing elves.

(Actually, Google tells me its yab yum, and it’s a real thing.)

At yab yum, all was romantic and sexy and JoJo and Chase made out while she straddled him.

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I full out Target Lady-ed the whole time.

Ali comes in with the date card, and I’m just annoyed because his presence (and interesting fashion choice) is really screwing up my bracket.

Chad proves once again that he has obviously seen Ben’s season. He pulls a complete Jubilee and says he doesn’t want to go on this group date with 12 other guys.

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Jordan, Tiny Alex, and the rest of the boyband go completely whiny pants and Chad does his best Mufasa impression.

Group date commences, and they’re learning they’re at a sex talk show, and the guys will each tell their own sexual tale.

FFFFantastic. Can’t wait to see what erectile dysfunction guy has on deck for this one. And I silently bet $1 million that¬†Chad takes this¬†perfect opportunity to bow out and and be too cool for the challenge again. Again.

YAHTZEE.

They’re all fine, but firefighter Grant’s pants though.

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I also think we all just learned that Wells farted during a threesome.

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As the guys are prepping backstage, Evan the weenie doctor tells Tiny Alex that he is going to put Chad on blast. He has some serious things planned.

And Evan gets up on stage and takes the opportunity to imply that Chad’s got some side effects from ‘roid rage.

And then he got to witness the effects of said true roid rage.

Honestly, at this point, I’m even less enthused by Evan. This poke wasn’t even funny, and he was asking for the repercussion. I don’t¬†feel bad for him when¬†Chad grabs Evan’s shirt “AND RIPS IT!”

Not that I’m defending Chad. I just think Evan sunk down to his level, and I’m really not impressed by the fact that he can’t even own it afterward.

Chad tries to recover by getting on stage and attempting to full Disney Prince JoJo. He completely crashes and burns, and JoJo denies him of an onstage makeup.

Let me also take this opportunity to say that I’d be swooning over¬†Jordan if it weren’t for his being an¬†apparent¬†big fat cheater. His Jimmy Neutron T-Bird swagger works. I’m not going to be shocked if he’s the one JoJo chooses in the end.

Thank God his ex took to instagram to warn us to not fall too far in love:

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(in case anyone hasn’t already seen that yet).

When questioned, Chad claims he’s a real nice guy. And that he doesn’t have problems with anybody. Ever. In life.

As I’m writing this, I’m curious as to what his Instagram looks like. I have a strong feeling it’s filled with shirtless photos of himself. Maybe with some baby oil, maybe without. Probably showing off expensive clothing since he is a “luxury real estate agent.”¬†Definitely showing the veins, because that’s who he is.

When I investigate, I¬†realize I’m right on the money.

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I should have a career in profiling Instagrams.

So as we move through the group date, Evan gives JoJo an ultimatum. If she doesn’t send Chad home, he’s leaving.

Let’s put JoJo giving Evan a rose and making out with him at the very top of the list of this I never would have expected. I’m not a fan. I went full monkey emoji and covered my eyes.

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THERE GOES MY BRACKET AGAIN. And Chad’s confidence.

When JoJo returns to the rest of the group, she’s followed by Evan strutting around and showing off his new rose like a prized show pony. We all learn Chad as zero poker face when he says what we’re all thinking, “You’re seriously vibing this dude?”

While I think you’re a douche for saying it out loud, Chad, I concur.

Back at the house later on, beady eyes tells Chad to get his act together, and I internally cheer. I’ve been wondering what beady eyes’ deal is, considering¬†half the show, we see beady with the rest of the guys, speaking unfavorably about Chad. The other half, we see him bro-ing out with the 50 pounders. At least Chad is trying to encourage him to be a normal human.

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He tells Chad to be a little less Donald Trump and a little more Mussolini. Because that’s where we are with society these days.

Next up, James T’s one-on-one.¬†Just watching him live makes me smile. I don’t even care that (I think) JoJo isn’t into him the way she is some others. James T for Bachelor!

Pause. Can we all just agree to bring swing dancing dresses back? I’m really digging the style. I’m just going to pretend I’d fill out that dress the way JoJo does.

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James T. gets a rose after telling her how low his confidence is, and after these two episodes especially, I’m assured JoJo gives out pity roses.

When Papa¬†Chris Harrison comes in and announces there is an all-day pool party on the docket instead of a rose ceremony, Chad is annoyed all the guys want to see JoJo in a bikini. Chad says he already can tell through her dress what she looks like in a bikini. So….. alright.

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I think Chad has a problem with everyone and everything. If you told Chad every day would be Christmas for the rest of time and he could eat whatever he wanted without losing muscle mass, he’d find a problem.

Evan pulls Papa Harrison aside to tell him how unsafe he feels around Chad, even with the security guards around. He tells Chris about the ripped shirt, and he reminds me of my twin nieces tattling on each other when one has done something less than awesome.

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Chad might suck, but now, so do you.

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I now have a problem with Evan. Evan actually had a pretty good reason to mess with Chad. Maybe it wasn’t a great idea, but he was given a reason to not love the guy. But, Evan can’t own the fact that he actually did intend to get a rise out of Chad, he actually did intend to embarrass him (again, valid), and to me, it looked like he actually did sorta¬†push him while getting back to his seat in the audience. If you’re gonna do it, man up and stand by what you did. Don’t point fingers and duck your head and deny you did anything wrong. Own it. No one will even blame you.

And Evan, if your monologue was all in good fun, it would have been funny.

Dare I say, after that showdown, I felt more annoyed by Evan than I did Chad.

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And just when I’m feeling all agitated, Jordan comes back to sweep me JoJo off her feet.¬†The chemistry is THERE, and we’re all swooning.

When Chad overhears Derek answering a question JoJo asked about Chad, he later approaches Derek to give Hulk-like threats.

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And Derek’s response just skyrockets him to become¬†of my favorite dudes in the house. I liked how level-headed and eloquent he was in dealing with Chad. No one, not even Tiny Dancer Alex, has accomplished this thus far.

Real question. Was everyone hungover as balls after taking shots during the day and having to hang out for a dressy rose ceremony? No, thank you. I would have conducted that shiz poolside in my bikini, then waved ta-ta to go crash immediately following.

But that’s just me. And one of my arch nemeses is day drinking paired with night partying.

A rose ceremony in fancy getup happens, and everyone gets a rose, even Vinny and James F (who you?). Except for Christian (C’MAAAAN! He was in my top 4!), and Saint Nick (UGH).

JoJo and I have very different taste in men. But, I like aggressive men just about as much as I like day drinking before night partying for a month straight, soooooo..

THEN, in our two night special, we are treated to a new exciting destination….

PENNSYLVANIA.

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“Oh, yeah, sorry, guys. I know the other peeps got Vegas, Hawaii, Turks & Caicos…. and you got good ol’ PA.”

Not that I’m knocking it. I did grow¬†up 30 minutes outside of Philly.

Luke’s 1 on 1 speaks about mushing, and everyone’s not that jealous.

Forgive me, but I wasn’t aware mushing (dog sledding on a go-kart?) was a thing in PA. But that’s what Luke gets for his first one-on-one. JoJo makes him chop wood so they can heat the hot tub.

The hot tub’s really, really (expletive from JoJo) hot.

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Luke doesn’t care due to the ideal hand placement opportunities this temperature presents.

As Chad would say, Luke and JoJo are really “vibin'”, and they¬†get to dance on stage as Dan and Shay croon their drippingly romantic song of the moment.¬†I see the passion between JoJo and Luke, so I could see Luke going really far. I don’t hate it.

And in the best moment of this entire two-night special, we find out that the 2-on-1 date will be Baby Alex and Chad. Alex is psyched, and he has no lack of confidence in his chances of staying.

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A group date commences, and it’s the traditional “we are split into teams to play a sport with famous athletes present, and the winning team gets more time with the Bachelorette.”

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On the football field, shockingly enough, the team with the ex pro-football player wins. Despite a bloodied James Taylor, who played through a broken face.
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Some boring TV happens with the rest of the group date, because Chad isn’t present. Robby goes full golden retriever on JoJo (so many hairy men this season), and I’m not really feeling him. But JoJo looks like she is, and I guess that’s what really matters here.

There are more cautionary tales about Chad thrown JoJo’s way.

Hey, JoJo. After living in a house with Olivia and seeing how this happens once, how do you not identify when something like “Chad” is happening?

Heh?

I get it, though. You had to keep him around for good TV.

Back at the house, Chad decides to up the creepy factor and tell Jordan that after the show, he’s gonna find him. And he’s gonna beat his ass. So, that set him up well for his next date.

Finally, the moment everyone has been waiting for takes place. The 2-on-1 with Chad and Baby Alex. They go on a hike. It’s awkward.

As everyone in America predicted, when Alex gets his time, he (fairly) puts Chad on blast. He tells JoJo about his full-on Liam Neeson impression of earlier, and JoJo acts like it’s the first time she’s hearing about Chad’s aggression.

After a mini breakdown, JoJo returns to Chad and asks him if he threatened to beat someones ass. His answer? “Well, it’s not 100% false…”

 

Let’s say it together:

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And just like soaking wet Olivia and her cankles had to stay on the island by herself as Emily and Ben sailed away, Chad was left to walk around in the woods by himself at night while Alex and JoJo made out in a log cabin.

Bye bye, Chad. Until 2 weeks from now…

What.

{ 6 comments }

I did it. I’m back. I watched the Bachelorette, and I have time to blog about it.

How better to kick off Episode 2 of JoJo’s bachelorette season than with 1 million fire similes and metaphors?!FullSizeRender 17

By now, the dudes have already bonded (save for Chad, who sits in the corner sulking, eating, or using his suitcase filled with protein powder as a weight belt as he does pull-ups off the mansion trellis).

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Can we pause for a sec and talk about JoJo’s group of guys? I will admit that many of them seem like well-intended, stand up guys, but sheesh, why did Kaitlyn get such a better looking bunch?

Forgive me. Maybe I’m just missing the eye candy of seasons past.

As you might remember, Ali Fedotowsky was my favorite Bachelorette ever. I was a big fan before she was named The Bachelorette, and I still adore her to this day. It’s a big deal to say that I anticipate JoJo joining Ali in the ranks as the coolest, most down-to-earth chick to hold this position. From what I know of JoJo, I really like, and I’m hoping she stays in good graces throughout this season. GET ‘EM, JOJO.

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Anyway, on this firefighter challenge group date (which seems kind of unfair considering the¬†actual firefighter was in attendance), Wells, the scrawny-but-cute radio DJ, can’t hack it. Dude has to get some water and lie¬†down.

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BRAVO, Wells. How has everyone not caught on to this play yet? Everyone who has watched the show knows that whoever gets injured/sick/hurt on a group date gets to spend extra time with the Bachelor/Bachelorette. Kudos to Wells for taking advantage of his stature. YOU WIN.

A shock to no one, the real firefighter wins and carries JoJo out of a burning building. Meanwhile, I’m trying to get past JoJo repeatedly telling him he “did so good.”

Dear ABC, I will personally volunteer to work for free if you could just put me in charge of editing grammar on the show. I’ll just follow everyone around and correct them when they say “JoJo and I’s” and “you did good.”

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But sorry, firefighter Grant, you “did good” and all; however, Wells was the true winner here, wooing JoJo with his mediocrity and pictures of his bloodhound named Carl.

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You’re wrong, Chad. Here, nice guys finish first.

(And for the record, I actually think Wells seems like a really cool guy.)

While this is taking place,¬†the rest of the guys are¬†bro-ing out so hard. We’re treated to songs around the pool (James T. at the helm with his git-tar). Except for Chad. Chad hates everyone, hates singing, and hates joy.

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Chad likes protein, meat, and steroids.

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At home, the hipster (?) grabs the next date card and announces Derek is the chosen one.

This is where I pause and wonder if JoJo is taking Ali’s advice from the Premier of the show. Ali recommended that JoJo figure out her top few that she definitely likes and ignore them. She hasn’t invited Jordan,¬†the first impression rose winner, on a one-on-one, and she seems to be doing a great job dividing her time between all the men.¬†I don’t even remember anything about this Derek guy.

Next, we’re treated to Chad finding a friend in Beady Eyed Daniel. We watch them chill in matching¬†tank tops that¬†might have come from the closest Forever 21.

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I’m sorry, is that side boob?

And they talk about how nice guys are¬†actually bad guys in disguise. Bad boys aren’t actually bad boys.

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Wut?

On the next group date, Chad goes on and on about how he’s not THAT into JoJo. America cheers when Chad awkwardly calls JoJo a nag and makes her inevitably hate him as much as the rest of us do.

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The outcome of this date? James Taylor the singer-songwriter gets the #1 power ranking, and I’m genuinely happy for him. I don’t even care that the wannabe country singer has been done. As, of course, has the name. I’m rooting for that guy.

And choosing to ignore Chad, who is certain everyone is doing everything wrong.

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I feel that JoJo’s body language makes it pretty clear that she’s not really down with what he’s throwing. And to paraphrase¬†one of my favorite tweets of the night, “JoJo defending Chad sounds eerily similar to Trump follower reasoning.”

When she kisses him, I all but roll off the couch and dump my LaCroix out of sheer annoyance.

Right. We all need a villain, and the Bachelor/ette must first be into them before things explode in their face. We’ve been here before.

At least she gave James the rose. You go, James! You and your poetry have won me over.

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When rose ceremony times rolls around, Chad has decided that since he’s gotten a little taste of what it feels like to smooch JoJo, he suddenly wants in on this competition. He sneakily intercepts her as she arrives for the rose ceremony (no doubt orchestrated by producers), and she’s half excited, half “oh……. it’s you.”

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Tiny Alex was NOT happy. He calls Chad Public Enemy #1.

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Chase, who I don’t even remember meeting last week, did an adorable thing and gave her a mini date with mittens and snow and extra wine.

So, he wins.

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Rose for you, Chase.

Then Chad did what I do at every cocktail party

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Sit in the corner with way too much food.

Since when do we actually see people eating on this show? Weird.

And poor little Alex is just really concerned that Chad is chewing with his mouth open.

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Oh, Alex.

Can we pause and bow our heads in honor of Jojo being the first Bachelor/ette in history to tell someone no (or “give me one second”) when someone¬†tries to interrupt someone else’s 1 on 1 time? Why has this never happened ever before? It drives me batty.

Like last season, when Ben wanted extra time with the twins, and Olivia just kept being that wart he couldn’t get rid of. I assumed there was a rule preventing him from saying no.

Good for you JoJo, for having a spine. Give yourself some kudos.

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She’s giving out these roses like she’s Oprah and there are cars for everybody.

Ali gets a rose.

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I kid you not.

Beady eyes gets a rose.

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Right.

C’mon, JoJo, the Jersey Shore barber and the floppy (ha) erectile dysfunction¬†guy?! Superfan is funny! Even if he does always look like he is wearing foundation!

(But seriously, James, if you read this, I’d love to know what brand you use. Skin is flaw. less.)

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Hipster goes home, too. He’s sad.

Here’s to hoping next week JoJo tells Chad to “get the FREAK OUT” just like Evan wants!

Chad’s plan? Workin’ out, makin’ protein shakes, and eatin’. And, you know, showing off his creepy veins.

What are your thoughts? Your favorites? Your predictions? No spoilers, y’all!

{ 7 comments }

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